I would vote for Trump

Don’t reach for the rocks, just yet. I have some solid progressive reasons for my unconditional support of another term for the Donald.

Think about it. Has there been another POTUS who could lie as assiduously as Mr Drumpf and get away with it, popularity unscathed? Not even Clinton, who could say “I’m not here” with confident chutzpah and be believed, told porkies so entertainingly.

It all started with Ford. No, not Henry, of Assembly Line Null-Therblig fame, sponsor of The Protocols, but the president who came after Tricky Dicky left. Remember? The bloke who couldn’t walk while chewing gum, whose tumbles from Air Force One caused the red carpet to receive a thick foam underlay? Gerald.

Gerry could walk into doors, wrap a golf club around his neck, do goofy impressions at his nephew’s wedding, and still have the cred to be president. Not to be elected for his own term, but that was a minor problem. He got the pension.

The Peanut Planter, Mr Carter, who can be credited with gifting the world with the Iranian Revolutionary Guards, but is currently the recipient of an effing Nobel Peace Prize, continued the tradition of being a non-entity immune to The Press. Couldn’t get re-elected — and the world is a better place for that — but is leaving us a brilliant legacy of bricklaying techniques.

Ronnie. Now, Reagan was a genius actor. Really, I kid you not. Lousy as a cowboy, but great as a POTUS. I’ve watched him being interviewed for his views on political philosophy and the guy came up shining. Knew his stuff and stuffed his library with the right books. But he laid the avuncular act really thick, and gave lame advice to all and sundry, even to Gorbachev. “Tear down this wall” — really? The peepul tore it down, Ronnie. All that Gorbie had to do was to refrain from sending in the goons.

What is really interesting about Ronnie is that he knew what he was doing. Unlike his two predecessors and all of his successors but for Obama, Reagan did it on purpose. He knew that an intellectual president would never, ever, get elected. Too elitist, see? Man of the People, that is what Joe “Regular American” Bloggs wants. Who could be better qualified than a ham actor? Well, a ham actor who could choose a worthy successor, maybe. RR couldn’t.

Ronnie passed the baton to George “Behind the” Bush Sr, not the most intellectual of POTUSes. I mean, it was Barbara who really ran the place during his tenure, and she was not the brightest cookie, since she married the bloke for his dough. Barbara’s failure was being a coward. If she had the balls to stand up to the Russians, or to the rump USSR at the time, Iraq would have ceased being a crisis there and then. Instead, what a legacy!

Bill. How entertainingly intellectual. Blow jobs in the Oval Office. Come on, who would be stupid enough to let his career as Top Executive of The Most Powerful Nation on Earth be jeopardised by an itch on his glans? Monica wasn’t even that hot. Bill’s greatest legacy was his wife, and she wasn’t even good enough to keep bloody Bernie at bay. Bernie Sanders, the Village Idiot of the Left. She couldn’t handle that. Bloody hell.

But we get ahead of ourselves. First came Georgie II, the Mission. Barbara’s magnum opus. Enough to tell you what a great woman she was. Georgie Boy took a leaf from Gerald and walked into many a door, stuttered his way though many a press conference, and was as relevant as Mr Ford, only for longer. But there was a hint of Ronnie in Georgie — the posturing, the aloof demeanour of those who look higher for better. Only Georgie wasn’t an actor — not even gammon-class, let alone ham. His stuttering incompetence was legitimate.

Now comes a hint of my point: what could George W. Bush have done differently after 9/11? Not invaded Afghanistan and Iraq? Seriously? Do you think he was Christian enough to seek crucifixion?

Good old Barack, the Fidel. Clever boy, brainy. Wish he could come back, instead of the Donald. But he wouldn’t get elected again — not now, and that is that. The Great American Public is always on the lookout for original thinking. Yeah.

Little Hussein’s greatest accomplishment was doing nothing. Nothing at all. In practice, his long fought health care reforms are worth diddly squat, to coin a quaint American phrase. But they kept the opposition entertained for long enough, and the Democrats busy enough, to give the American economy, and the world, eight years of respite. Good for him.

Now, finally, Mr Drumpf. Easily deserving of the title of Most Useless POTUS Ever, when that is created, hopefully not too far in the future. The list of his inane pronunciations would fill more pages than I have the patience to write. But, oh boy!

See my point? No matter what any of those gents ever did, however outrageous, stupid, comical, or obscene, was enough to shake their reputation or to forfeit their fat pensions. Impeachments came and went, lawsuits galore, but they still are seen as Elder Statesmen. Even Irrumator Clinton.

There is some collateral, not yet cashed, in the absolute futility of the entire White House Press Corps, both sides. Really, does it matter what questions are asked of any president, or how they are answered? Do the answers change anything, ever? Some of the immense public debt hanging over America could be offset by firing their arses, one and all.

There is, however, an immense advantage of an absolutely ineffective CEO warming chairs, beds and toilet seats at the White House: we can get on with life with little interference.

Just imagine what a clever, determined, wilful, popular, powerful POTUS could do. We would all be dead by now, or roaming the radioactive, virus infested wastelands of our ruined planet. No one with that much nominal power should ever be allowed to influence our destiny.

JFK came close to it, but someone had the good sense to shoot him, before too much damage was done. See how well behaved his successor was, even though I have yet to meet such a crazy megalomaniac as LBJ? The facts of life were explained to him, obviously.

In conclusion, children, I want an entertaining clown, instead of an effective and beloved leader, anytime.